No Dress Code Required

I'm not usually one for "social media rants/posts", so I decided to take my views to the blogesphere (also because who wants to read a 3 page-long Facebook post? *eye roll*). But I read an article this morning that really resonated with me, as it is an issue I have felt very strongly about since I was a young teen. And although I highly disagree with most of the views within the article (Ms. Erykah Badu's, to be exact), I do agree that it is a topic that deserves more conversation among ourselves as adults and with our children/youth in general.

Let me start by saying as I am not a perfect adult, I was also not a perfect baby/child/teenager/etc. But as a teenager, I have to say I wasn't too bad, generally speaking. I was an athlete, I had a good group of friends, I was involved in several school organizations, I made good grades, and I rarely got into trouble. But the few times I remember getting into trouble at school was always for...my attire. Either my shorts were "too short", a sliver of my mid-drift would show if I reached over my head, or the straps of my shirt were "too narrow". Several times my mom would have to leave to bring me clothes to change into, or I would be forced to put on my sweaty gym shirt for the remainder of the day. I would ask the teachers, and even the principal, why this was made such a big deal, and all they could tell me was, "Those are just the rules." When I posed the same question to my mom, she basically said, "I guess it's because they feel it could be 'too distracting' to the boys in class." And my immediate reaction was: "Well, shouldn't that be THEIR problem, not mine?"

And shouldn't it be? Why does society feel it is our responsibility as females to "protect" males from their own "lustful desires"? Instead of talking to our young men and raising them in such a way to see women as more than sexual objects, we find it more appropriate to throw blankets over our young women and shove them into these "appropriate boxes" filled with shame, insecurity, and self-deprecation. In 2016, doesn't that seem like such an archaic ideology?

And some people may argue (as Ms. Badu does throughout the article) that it is more so to "protect our youth", but again, I disagree with this point. Because in my experience, it had an adverse effect on me. Although these instances initially made me feel ashamed and guilty, those feelings would later shift into feelings of hyper-sexualization, as though that were my main purpose on this earth -- to attract male attention. And if I didn't do that, well then I must not be "worthy" or "woman enough". Basically, my 13 year old thought process was, "Oh, so boys are only looking at me and being nice to me because they find me physically attractive? And even more so if I wear some clothes that are a little more revealing?? And so if I ever want a boyfriend, this is how I need to dress and act in order to get a boy to like me??? I can do that!" (Poor, little 13 year old Lisa...)

But this is the message we are sending to our daughters and sisters and nieces -- by doing this, we are saying to them, "YOUR identity is mostly based on your physical appearance and sexuality and YOU are the problem and it is YOUR responsibility." Instead of empowering our young women by teaching them to use their brains, to know their worth, and to own their sexuality, we are perpetuating the idea that a female is not only defined by her outward appearance, but she should also tailor that appearance to society's views of what is deemed appropriate or fitting. We are living in an age of Beyoncés and Hillarys and Oprahs, where women are finally coming to the forefront in all different fields and female empowerment is a growing movement...and on the other hand, here we are taking 12 steps back by telling our young women, "You can do anything and be anything in this world -- as long as you dress appropriately and don't distract the boys in the process."

It wasn't until my mid-20's that I finally had a breakthrough and was able to break away from these imposed notions. If I wanted to wear a pencil skirt with a silk blouse and heels to work, it wasn't to impress my boss. If I wanted to wear a form-fitting dress and some lipstick for a night out, it wasn't to attract a man. I wore it because I liked it...because it made me feel good...because it expressed my personality and mood at that moment. The clothes didn't change -- my attitude and perspective did. It took me 25+ years to finally take back and own my sexuality and cultivate my identity as a woman. I am still a work in progress and learning every day, but I can at least say that I love myself, unabashedly and unapologetically.

And don't you want that for your daughter...for your sister...for your niece? I know I do. And whether it's my teenage sisters or (God willing) my future daughter, I want them to grow up in a world where they don't feel defined by the bearing of their shoulders or the hemline of their skirts. I want them to be able to look at themselves in the mirror and love themselves for their thoughts, their talents, their aspirations, their hearts, their compassion, and yes -- even their bodies. I want them to focus on their goals and dreams and desires...not what others' opinions or perceptions of them may be. I never want them to ever feel as though they need to cover themselves up or dumb themselves down for anything or anyone. That's the world I wish for more than anything for these young women in our world and those to come -- freedom to explore and express all parts of themselves without hesitation or fear of judgment. 

That is the future I pray for. For my sisters and my nieces and my cousins and my future daughter -- and for yours. But again, it is not only up to us to empower our young women, but also our responsibility to educate our young men on how to respect themselves and young women. So <in my best Yoncé voice> -- "ok ladies (and gents), now let's get in formation..." and do our part to make a better future for our youth -- no dress code required. 

Please Celebrate Me Home

The heart is a funny and incredible thing in how it can hold two completely opposite feelings simultaneously -- which in my case, currently, are elation and devastation. I experienced something similar to this when I made the move from Chicago to NOLA. I had such a great life and friends there that I didn't want to leave...but I knew that there was this amazing new season waiting for me on the other side. This is just like that -- except amplified by 1,000.

NOLA is where Alex and I learned to become a team...a unit -- where we planned our wedding & built the foundation of our marriage. It's where we found our precious fur babies & made life-long friends. It's where we bought our first car, I found a job working with people I love, survived tragedies, & made some of the greatest memories of our lives. But just like Chicago, we always knew NOLA would be a season -- fun, exciting, crazy, & beautiful -- but a season nonetheless.

I don't think there are enough words to fully express how terribly we will miss our NOLA family or how incredibly grateful we are for your immediate and never-failing support, friendship, and love. And NOLA, along with all of you, will always hold a special place in our hearts.

But as my heart breaks at the thought of leaving this little life we have built here, it immediately swells when I think of all we will be gaining in this transition back to sweet home Alabama -- where we both were born & went to school. It's where we worked our first jobs & made life-long friends. It's where we met, had our first date, got engaged, & became husband and wife. It will mean more time with our families...a huge career opportunity for Alex...a chance to finally plant some roots...and (eventually) starting a family of our own (#BabyHandback...#ButNotYetDad).

I was prompted a month or so ago to pose two questions to myself: "If you could sum up 2015 in one word, what would it be?" and "If you could sum up what you envision 2016 to be in one word, what would it be?" I thought long and hard about this and challenged myself to come up with an answer (I say "challenge" because as most of you know, I am a woman of MANY words). But after much contemplation, I settled on these two words: 2015 = "HOPE" -- 2016 = "TRANSFORMATION". Now, I will have you know, I came up with these responses before I had any idea that this huge change (or "transformation", if you will) would be coming to us this soon. I am saying all of this mostly to confirm that a woman's intuition is really a thing, y'all! But also to lead into my next point -- something I read recently sparked something inside of me and really summed up my feelings in a short and sweet little message:

I have prayed for this opportunity consistently for a while -- even when we were continuously told that it wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't happen for some time. There were times I would get upset, even angry, not at any one person, but just the situation...and the fact that I had absolutely no control over it (which being a self-confessed control freak, is a hard pill to swallow). After the last conversation regarding our future ended with a less than satisfactory timeline, I decided in that moment that I was going to fully give way to the old saying, "Let go and let God." And wouldn't you know it -- not even two weeks later the script was flipped and our "moment" had finally arrived. So I will continue to carry this little mantra in my heart forever and ever as to never forget: "...I am always divinely guided..."

In conclusion, those who know me well are aware of my possession of all the feelings (So. Many. Feelings.), so I hope you can all forgive me in advance (especially my poor, sweet husband) for the emotional train wreck I inevitably will be over the next couple of months. Because not only will we be making the "big move" in a very short amount of time (which obviously includes the stresses of purging, packing, canceling things, figuring out logistics, etc. <insert anxiety & mild panic attack>), but also it means that starting in April Alex will be doing a three month stint for work in Vegas (alongside Britney & JLo, heeey!) while the pups and I get accustomed to life in Alabama. It's going to be a lot of change and a lot of transition for us in the coming months, so any good thoughts, positive vibes, prayers, etc. that you have to spare would be greatly appreciated. It's a lot to take on, but we're ready to begin this new chapter in our lives, as chaotic and uncertain as it may be. And with that, again I give all of our NOLA community my deepest love and gratitude for the beautiful years we were able to experience here, and we hope that although you may be a little sad about our departure, you understand why this is so important for us and our family -- and help celebrate us home. :)

All our love,

~The Handbacks
Lisa, Alex, Benny, & Trix